Nothing will change the sport (is it really a sport?) of golf more than Tony deciding to make platform shoes a mainstay. Many will follow his lead on to the greens with the added height as a new study shows that the extended height actually shaves off around 13 strokes a game. Everyone will want to know as to how he figured out the calculations of the physics of this for a long time before he reveals the secret. He will finally admit that he has always been a natural expert at figuring out how to stroke as quickly and efficiently as it takes to get the job done while wearing platforms.

There’s really not a whole lot of extra news to this developing story. The basic gist of the situation is that Bert loved what he ate this week so much that he will, indeed, decide to eat the same exact thing next week (and in the same exact order and nearly the same time of day). Bert will only leave one statement regarding the matter, “there’s only 52 weeks in a year”. He won’t go on to elaborate or explain precisely what he meant by that statement.

Make no if’s, and’s, or but’s about it- Erica Rhodes will never allow herself to be considered a baby. Her logic stems from the fact that she and everyone was, in fact, once a baby at one point in time on this planet. There’s apparently no logical way she could ever be a baby again now that she is a grown, mature adult. It just doesn’t make sense to her, it seems, that someone can call her a baby when she is paying bills and cooking meals on her very own. This very logic appears to branch out to dressing herself, shopping, driving, cleaning, writing, and doing arithmetic all on her very own, too. A baby can’t do any of that, she will explain. By the year 2047, Erica will have blocked nearly 13,513 people that called her “a baby”.

Some will be calling for an explanation as to what really transpired which will result in Andrew Dice Clay to reach deep down into his drawls and pull out an incredible amount of panties in a bunch. Many will say that Dice has always been this way. Mary Titecheaks of the Lower East Side will have this to say, “yeah, I did things just like every other hip chick back in the 80’s. That don’t mean that Andrew is the same as those days. Let’s just say that the panties he would find back then are much different than the panties he’s got in a bunch these days”. Dice will be asked about how he in fact gets his panties in a bunch these days and his only response will be this, “yeah, I’ll comment on that. Get lost”.

It’s easy to see why Mr. Letterman would go down this path in life. It’s not like he’s bar hopping or clubbing every night. In fact, the majority of his past time activities these days only includes riding his horsey’s and napping in his rocking chair. Dave will explain how he thinks that his horsey’s like him even more with the new braided beard. “I highly recommend anyone that rides a horsey and naps in a rocking chair to learn how to braid. It’s a peaceful and enjoyable activity. One which always makes my horsey’s react with giggles,” Dave will explain.

There will be a public outcry at the time of this publication because of the celebrity status of Aaron Hug. Most will feel that being a Z-list celebrity shouldn’t entitle him to be on this website with a list of such high profile, rich comedians and Mrs. Swift. Mr. Hug will have this to say about it, “yeah, so what if I’m a Z-list celebrity at this current juncture of my career? It’s the A-list celebrities that are the real snoozefest and ZZZ’s. Plus, I’m good friends with Hugh Jah Soul, and unless you are a complete dingleberry Darryl in the industry, you know how it works. Which is why, later in one of these paragraphs, you will find out part of the reason why I quit the industry.”

The following is what Aaron J. Hug, the man himself, will have to say about quitting comedy:

“Do you think I’m foolish enough to act like a monkey on stage to entertain the people? I could go on for days about why I didn’t want to be a part of the circus that these folks have created, but I won’t. I know that people’s attention spans aren’t that big.

“First though, I’d like to give a shout out to Kevin Kline and Phoebe Cates whom I met when I was like 13 years old in a tiny museum in Virginia. They had, which I believe was their first child, in a stroller. Now, I never saw Fast Times at that current juncture of my life, but looking up into Kevin and Phoebe’s eyes really did something to me. I CAN put my finger on what it did to me (does anyone ever put a finger on it when they can, or only when then can’t? Precisely why I emphasized the CAN, dear Watson). It made me, at the supple young age of about 13, want to leave my parents and sister to go live a good life with the Kline’s. But fate wouldn’t allow it! Even though I screamed inside with all the essence of my soul. TAKE ME! TAKE ME! My mind expelled silently yet voraciously. I was powerless. If the Kline’s would have only made the first move, I would have said ‘sure let’s go’, and it would have been like a fairytale. As it were, I could only watch them through the glass window of the door as they strolled away, perfectly down a dream-like sidewalk. (And I was the one that noticed ((thank you very much)) Kevin because of Dave. I told my parents and my dad’s line of introduction was “hey, you do a great impression of Kevin Kline”).

“So, ehem, anyway, where was I? Oh, yes, quitting the industry. Let me start by saying that I actually didn’t want to quit. Though, you see, the people with power have always given me a hard time and made it difficult for me to do anything constructive. While these people continue to make it nice and easy for their friends or family members to attempt at ‘making it’ and sometimes, unfortunately, succeeding. Because from what I can see, the majority of them don’t have any real talent or unique creativity to share with the world, whatsoever. Which, is actually one of my theories on the declining state of America, that I don’t have time to cover in detail now.

“The same thing happened when I was playing music. I asked for stage time and they refused. I’m not sure if they target only me in that manner or if they do it to others too.

“Possibly my one shot at having a musical career was when I bumped into Taylor Swift three or four times (how does that occur? I sure as all heck didn’t seek her out) when I lived in Nashville, TN. The first time I didn’t even know who she was. I did see the award show when Kanye West got on stage with her (and I immediately defended her with my friends watching with me at my studio loft in Oakland, CA), but I believe that was the only time I saw any images of her up to that point in 2012/2013 (was I living under a rock? No, just a peaceful existence while minding my own business, thank you very much).

“When I saw her again at a place called Blue Bar, I just didn’t know what to do. I mean, I was so poor and powerless that I didn’t feel like I could even say hi. We had a few moments though, and when she tried zipping over to me, somebody physically stopped her (like a linebacker on a football field). Then she left and I sat there waiting, I believe for hours, to play an open mic. I remember a young kid that was with his dad sitting near me. The kid was waiting to play the open mic also. He turned to his dad, and speaking of me, said, ‘if he can’t make it, how can I?’

“This all might seem fairly unbelievable to some of you, as the entire thing was very surreal to me. This is the first time I’m ever publicly talking in depth about it. It honestly threw me for a loop. I kept replaying it over and over in my mind with all the scenarios of ‘what if’ for quite some time. I do feel though, that maybe I would have achieved my musical dreams if I had talked to her, and who knows, maybe even had a chance with a beautiful, talented girlfriend, too. We’re both from a similar region in Pennsylvania, ya know. And from what I can tell, we both have a similar silly personality. So, we may have been a match, who knows, and we will most likely never know (someone should ask her about that moment and me in a video recorded interview setting. I’d be interested in hearing what she remembers feeling and thinking. I bet she wouldn’t even speak now of it if asked.) because she is higher and mightier than ever and I am just a poor boy, though my story’s seldom told.

“Now, as far as my musical dreams, well, trying to achieve a dream in life solely by yourself all of the time is a near impossible task. Take a look at anyone successful in entertainment and you will uncover friends, family, managers, club owners, booking agents, sound engineers, producers, and possibly the most important of all- other already successful performers giving the “new guy” a shot to open for them. One thing that I know about myself (I mean, I know more than one thing about myself, but this is one thing in particular) is that I was always able to excel at most everything, when I loved the thing I was doing and given the proper opportunity (which is why I make an excellent lover). Anyway, I guess the world will just have to deal with losing another angel voiced singer. But hey, most angels don’t want anything to do with this world nowadays anyhow, and it’s not too difficult to see why.

“This isn’t about my long lost musical career, though, this is about my comedy career at the current juncture of this interview.

“I started writing stand-up comedy during the last few months I lived in Nashville at the tail end of 2018. I moved to the Phoenix area in October of 2018 and dabbled in it there. Fairly quickly, I was scheduled to do a “bring ’em” show at the Tempe Improv. I made flyers for my performance date in hopes I’d get a few people to show up. You see, there was hardly ever any real audience members at the open mics in the Phoenix area as I recall. So, I knew that that Tempe Improv show, performing to a packed house, was my possible moment to start growing an audience if I could somehow pull off an extraordinary performance. But without family or friends, nobody showed up, and they wouldn’t let me perform.

“So, I got a dog and originally named him Early Earl, now Earl Lee Earl. “He’s always Earl Lee, and he’s never late…because he’s got no concept of time”. You can see pics and vids of him on my TikTok or Twitter @theaaronhug. That cute little pup always has had a way of sidetracking me.

As we all get older, we witness that time has a way of running its course. The weeks turn to months, then into years, and you just look back scratching your head (and sometimes your balls, too). I also had to work my butt off making very little money to get my life back on track. So, I stopped doing comedy until moving to Austin, TX (and why I started hitting the gym to work on my glutes).

Even after moving to Austin in October of 2022, I couldn’t find the time for it. Then I became unemployed and finally had the free time to take my shot at the stage again after nearly 5 years. My savings didn’t last very long, though, and I had to once again return to a job that takes up all my time and energy. Plus, it’s easy to see, that without someone established letting me open for them, continuing to perform in front of 5 people at open mics wouldn’t have gotten me anywhere.

“To end this long winded rant- all I’ll say is this: I can only tell you all and explain to you what I’ve been through, my perspective, and what I feel inside. I’m very honest and many times the world doesn’t want honesty because it can be painful.

“So, hey, Hugh Jah Soul, can you tell me anything from your perspective about my position in this world and its significance?”

“Yes, A. Hug, but it’s difficult for me to say. It was you that was supposed to have completed your five rock albums by now before going into comedy. That would have given you the platform and audience needed to fill the world at the correct time, freeing the minds of those needing it, by shining a light on all. Ten years has been lost, and now, without you and a select few others that were contained, the country based on freedom has a bleak future. It pains me so to say it. I can hardly believe what I see, myself. I wish it was different. I wish I had stronger powers than vision alone. I am powerless. OQua Tangin Wann, Aaron Hug.”

“OQua Tangin Wann, Hugh Jah Soul, OQua Tangin Wann.”